Relational Basics: How to take a break from connection ⏸️

I used to think that always being willing to connect, even if I was totally overwhelmed and beyond my limit, was more developed. Now I see that view as a mistake. I’m glad I have that option, but it risks falling into codependency, is susceptible to manipulation and power-plays, and almost always includes self-abnegation (a denial of the truth of your own wants and needs, and your responsibility to represent them as the one who knows them best). 

A lot of the basic couples therapies teach really helpful techniques for taking a break from connection when we’re reaching our limit. These are equally applicable to parents (although when a child’s safety is concerned, they require some adjustment). Here’s my recapitulation: 

1. Acknowledge what’s happening.
2. State that you need a break.
3. Offer when you’ll reconnect (the Gottmans recommend 20 minutes if you’ve been fighting).

For example: (1) Wow we’re really raising our voices, aren’t we? (2) I just hit a limit and I’m going to need a break in order to communicate the way I want to. (3) I know you’re about to leave, so let’s make sure to come back to this discussion when you get home tonight. 

May Relatefulness never hold ourselves above the basics; may we always be willing to learn from anywhere wisdom and simplicity can be found.

With love, Jordan