Saying the meta-thing 🔁

One of the early lessons in Level Up ⬆ reminds us of the power of saying the meta thing. It’s almost a facilitation trope—if you’re in doubt, narrate the way you’re making sense of what’s happening; the rules you’re inside of; the direction you’re attempting to head. It’s a good rule of thumb for conscious relating (it’s not always a good rule of thumb for other situations)… if you’re unsure what’s going on or what to do next: Go a layer “up” and name “how you’re holding” the situation you’re in. This invites us to make our subjective experience into an object which we can then ultimately take more responsibility for, including choosing to inhibit it more fully.

This doesn’t mean say the meta-thing as a way to shirk responsibility. And it doesn’t mean say the meta thing to sneak in saying the thing. I once heard a story of a guy who, because of a practice of authenticity, thought this kind of thing was OK to tell direct-reports: “I’m having trouble in this conversation because of how sexually attracted I am to you”. This is not meta, this is cowardice and lack of self-responsibility in “conscious-language” costume. Meta would be something like, “I’m judging myself for how awkward I am in this conversation right now! I seem to want this to flow better, but I’m having trouble because I’m navigating a bunch of competing things inside of myself right now”. or "I notice I'm feeling uncomfortable with how this conversation is going, and I'd like to pause and check in about whether we're on the same page about the purpose of our meeting". The meta approach is relational—even if it starts with personal observation, it invites reflection on the interaction pattern rather than focusing on personal reactions. It creates space to address communication dynamics directly, helping both parties navigate potentially difficult situations with greater awareness and intentionality. 

Also, if you’re using “going meta” to get other people to behave a certain way, you’re not doing it. You’re manipulating. (But careful—if you blame other people doing that, you’ll end up in more disempowerment).

This is also why a facilitator who opens every session telling people how “nervous” or “vulnerable” they are, is not doing good practice. If they’ve done that 100 times, they’re probably not actually vulnerable or nervous on a meta-level; they’re running a script, and through modeling they’re telling participants that what’s good is to run an authenticity script (irony unacknowledged), rather than actually be with what’s here. Which is fine, that can truly give people a lot of help; ideally the irony is acknowledged or it’s not called “authenticity,” but in any case it’s certainly not Relatefulness.

With love, Jordan