Taking rhetorical questions seriously 🎅

Why do I hold adults any differently?

In relatefulness we make a habit of taking these kinds of questions seriously, rather than rhetorically or using them as weapons for self-judgment. There must be a reason, no matter how outdated, or else I wouldn’t be doing it. Believing in Santa Claus made a lot of sense when I was two.

One reason is that I projected my own ability to choose onto others, as a way to help me bootstrap my ability to choose (rather than acting out the scripts of my historical and cultural conditioning). Projection makes perception; we project onto others what we need to claim for ourselves. 

From this point of view, each time I judge anyone for having made a poor choice is a reminder for me to claim more of my own ability to choose, in that exact moment and situation. I’ll know I've finished the job when I no longer feel any emotional charge; as Byron Katie says “I look forward” to facing that situation again. None of this is to avoid holding people accountable for their actions; it’s to foster more empathy and therefore inhabit a more loving world. And since boundaries are banks that support love-river flows, this view supports a stronger “no” when that’s what’s called for.

Seeing the (perhaps relative) innocence of adults helps us recognize where our real choices lie: Not in controlling, but in sense-making and how we show up in response.

With love, Jordan