You don’t need to justify choosing / having needs by elevating their importance 🏆

I had a recent conversation with a friend who seemed stuck admitting that they needed something and in creating the conditions to make it happen. They didn’t feel like it was justifiable because the modern self-help/therapeutic convention elevates “needs” to the status of unquestionable—and with all honesty, what but survival reaches that bar?

Framing things as needs can help us get in touch with unacknowledged desires. But calling something a need as a conversation-ender sets me up for disappointment. Expecting others not to scrutinize or negotiate my desires, especially when it involves them, sets me up for failure. Well-intentioned and sometimes developmentally appropriate habits can breed resentment (since others will scrutinize) and self-delusion (since I close off to feedback). I know bc I make this mistake. 

Better if I can learn to ask for stuff without demanding others meet my expectations. Better when I don’t really need a cultural agreement for it to be ok for me to ask for, acquire, and have what I want. Better when I don’t use convention to avoid facing the vulnerability of what’s actually true for me. It may break my heart to face the consequences, but I want that heartbreak. That’s real, that’s true, that’s love.

Using the label “need” as a justification weakens my ability to get and have, because I have to go through some weird cultural hoops to find the justification. And I’m ironically more open to criticism, bc I’ve invented an explanation rather than staying with the facts that stand on their own.

I don’t have to justify that I want stuff because I need it—I already want stuff. I don’t have to justify that I am going for stuff because I need it—I’m already free to try and justifications won’t protect me from consequences. I don’t have to justify that I have stuff because I need it—I already have it.

With love, Jordan